i don't know my own value.. though people say i do, i'm not told what, so i don't think i have importance.. just forgotten.. disregarded..
In life, we often need someone else to validate our existance. We know we exist, but one of the hardest things to do is to look at yourself. Sometimes, we need someone else to say "I see you. I recognize you."
.
A long time ago, I kept myself locked inside. I let no one in. I allowed the confusion and fear I learned growing up silence me. Eventually I learned to open up, it wasn't me though. I guess I never learned how to do it right. So I guess I'll go back to what I'm good at.
It's easier to push people away than to let them in.
Costume first run, Halloween 2009: White Haired Assassin Witch from "the Forbidden Kingdom"
Prep start: Mid-September 2009
Most expensive costume piece: the wig = $60 (*sigh*)
Debut night: 10 Oct 2009
Party: ended up at 56K / Wingman costume party (my younger bro, cousin and their friends)
Total time to get ready: 4 (friggin) hours, cuz I ended up scrapping a few of the original replicas of the costume, and tweaked the pieces with other looks instead. Oh well...
Quick synapse: - Started getting ready at 6:00 PM, the hair took the longest cuz as you know my natural hair is waist length, so I had to prep it under a wig cap. And paint my nails white.
- 8:00 was finally starting to put on the make-up, but not yet the costume. If I was gonna make it to SP's party in Santa Clara, I had to be done soon! Had to get the make-up right though. (Didn't realize it till later but I only did the eyes and lips. Hehe)
- 9:00 scrapped the skirt I made and rigged a tube top dress as my skirt. Actually didn't look that bad, but at that point I realized I wasn't gonna look like my character even more. Oh well, it worked nonetheless!
- 9:30 showed the fam the costume, pictures taken.
- 9:50 finally left the house, but I am insanely late for the SP party. I call some people and check status, and decide I'm gonna stay local for personal reasons, as well as it being safer staying local if I'm driving out alone right (loner)?
- 9:55 made a fat U-Turn and started heading for my bro and cousin's friends' 56K/Wingman costume party. A normally 10 min drive became 20 minutes.
- 10:30 partying begins. Some people recognize me, both as the character and myself. Some people thought I was Morrigan from Puzzle Fighter, and one person thought I was some character from, Final Fantasy?? Or some other game/anime, I recognized it at the time he said it, but I didn't play the game so I have no idea. I took a few shots/drinks, and learned that I cannot pour shots out of a gigantic bottle of belvedere without a spout pourer thing (my shoe smells like alky, but no I was not even buzzed at the time I was pouring). And my precious hair is getting more and more tangled. @.@
- 12:00 Midnight bring the cops, 3 times I think within a 30 minute timespan. Rumor of issuing tickets become an issue, and like 25% or so of the guests slowly trickle out.
- 1:00AM bro and friends decide to leave and head out to Nation's to eat. I didn't want to get left at the house filled with 60% I actually didn't recognize so I went with them, scurrying away from a mummy, and ended up driving home.
And now is the actual day of Halloween. I am still contemplating whether or not I want to do it again. Although it took me 4 hrs last night to get ready, I know now what to expect so it shouldn't take me as long, but still! Apparently all the house parties I thought was happening tonight, happened last night, and I'm not in the mood to spend more $ at a club party, so I'm thinking I'm staying in tonight. At most take the siblings out trick or treating for their first time (it's not a practiced holiday in the Philippines).
Everything desired within one package Pros and cons packed in typical baggage
I am everything you want and everything you fear I am me, why is it not me you hear?
It is not me you want Everything I am is not 100% I will always be a mixture of 2 worlds Take them or leave me
why is it okay for someone else And not for me? Every time something comes out for me It's not all right I'm alone in my fight All I have are pre-promised support That's never there when the time finally comes
Supposedly, a girl like me is a gem So why haven't I found the right jeweler?
So for the past few days/weeks, I've been thinking of what's become of me since high school. Mainly, regarding what I've been supposedly praised for as being a tomboy; a "rare gem" that has the physical attributes of a female, but with the understanding of the male species.
How has it benefitted me? How has it failed me?
If I am such a "rare gem" then why do I always get the wrong jewelers? Lol. It's like, guys have always wanted a woman who can be like one of the guys. But when it comes down to it, they want a counterbalance to what makes them male, and that's where I stop fitting into the picture.
But on the flip side, it's like, they expect me to be one of the guys, then complain I'm not "girly" enough for them, yet they forget to still treat me like one.
My true confessions
I've always wanted to be a boy Cuz girls can't, but boys can So I grew up like a boy Acting like a girl for the adults to smile at Yet running around rampant like a boy to have fun I didn't want people to think I was weak Like a girl normally is supposed to portray I wanted to be tough To be free To be able
Yet deep down I cannot help The fact that I want to be and treated like a girl too Sometimes The softer side To be looked at and treated pretty To be handled and treated gently To be cared for and treated lovingly To be showered with doting gifts and words I cannot help the little things that makes the girl in me smile
Don't get me wrong. I'm just saying it's gonna take some serious convincing to me for that whole marriage / kids thing at this point. And please, unless you are "that" person, don't try to convince me or tell me otherwise; you merely push me further away from it even more cuz that is something I do not want to have to hear from people with their opinions at my age cuz yes, I'm getting old, I KNOW! When / If it happens, when / if I'm ready, THAT'S when it will happen. So quit bugging me about it now! Grrr....
Just because I'm with a guy (talking, dating, or officially with), it doesn't necessarily mean I'm gonna marry him. Do you think that I do not already consider that when I enter into some sort of relationship with a guy, whether it's in the early stages or already in long term? I mean, you generally stick with someone if you think there's potential, and through time is when you can find out better if he/she is "the one" or not. Implanting the idea of marriage to a couple in a budding relationship could give them false ideas of the reality could be between the two (i.e. they keep hearing they should get married from other people, therefore hold on to a relationship, that has no real meat, for longer than it should've lasted, only to feel they had wasted their lives with each other when there was no happy ending after all).
Then going to weddings: I know it's all for tradition, but don't you know that when you haggle a girl to catch the bouquet or the guy to catch the garter, that maybe, just MAYBE you're making them feel pressured to get married, whether or not they're ready for it yet? Thus maybe making them feel like avoiding it even more? Or scaring them off from it?
And what if they are single? Why just because they're getting old they HAVE to find someone to get married to? There are tons of people who do not need to marry someone just so they don't end up alone in the end. Eventually, one of us will end up dying alone (it's usually the one who survived the first death). I know it sucks but that's the reality of it. We have other people we could be with in the end, friends and other family.
Blah blah, I know yapping away like this, but it's kind of reality. If I, or anyone you know, is content at how their life is at that moment, let them be, just be there for them when things might change. If a couple is content at the pace their relationship is going, let them be and do things at their own time.
To live a full life, one should be content with what they already have and be able to make the best of it. We do not always need "the one" to complete us, because if we keep to that mentality then we will always feel empty. To find "the one" should be to find another individual that compliments you.
"You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary."
Anyways, I appreciate your concerns about my well being, but please let me go at it at my own pace. Reminders of these things I'm already faced with almost daily (not that I am happy for those of you getting/being married and having kids, by all means I am genuinely happy for you), but I do not need to hear it via semi/maybe-un-intentional pressures from others. If I seem a little different lately, well, apparently I've held in a lot of aggression I've always naturally had since I was in the 1st grade (when I first learned to control it), so I'm just finally saying what I need to say. Let me ride my wave and get over it when I get over it. Thank you.
